Nicest Thing
by TurnMyGriefToGrace
Summary: A post "The Becoming" one shot. The night after Meredith left Dr. Wyatt's office. Meredith and Derek have an actual conversation and attempt to make progress. Because really, without talking, they're not ever going to get their champagne. And they need it


**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy does not belong to me. I'm only writing this for the sake of my own sanity. And because I really feel like Derek Shepherd has to be called out on his crap for them to make any progress.**

**This takes place post 4.14, The Becoming. The night that Meredith left Dr. Wyatt's office. The song is by Kate Nash, called Nicest Thing.**

_All I know is that you're so nice,  
You're the nicest thing I've seen.  
I wish that we could give it a go,  
See if we could be something._

Coward. Coward. Coward.

As Meredith sat on her porch swing wrapped in her blanket, this was the only word passing through her mind. She was a coward. That's what everyone thought. Everyone but Meredith. She didn't feel like a coward. She felt like she was finally making progress. She felt brave.

She was going to therapy. Granted, for the first few sessions, she was just sitting on the couch mulling over thoughts in silence. But for someone as damaged as she was, even walking her ass up to the psych floor was a step in the right direction.

But today, today she left. She walked out of Dr. Wyatt's office. Essentially, she was avoiding. Again. Maybe she was a coward after all. Maybe she'd never be able to trust anyone. She would die alone while the love of her life was off getting his happy ending with someone else.

And the thought of that was a little too much to handle. So here she was. On her porch swing getting some fresh air, trying to clear her head. Despite the cool air that was starting to send spontaneous shivers down her spine, it was comforting. Maybe the cool air coupled with the silence would make her feel better.

She thought of going inside and getting the bottle of tequila. That would certainly warm her body and numb her mind. But that wasn't progress. She knew that falling into a drunken stupor and possibly falling asleep on the porch swing wasn't exactly going to solve anything. No. She wouldn't drink. She would just sit. Sit and think about when things started to go so wrong. Her thoughts were interrupted when she saw a familiar car pull into her driveway.

"Hey," he said softly. He put his hands into the pockets of his coat and stood there, waiting for her do or say something.

Meredith looked down at her feet. She couldn't look at him. To look into the eyes of the man that she once considered the love of her life was painful. She couldn't do it. "Hey."

Derek took that as his cue to sit down next to her. But they both kept their distance. It took everything in his power not to pull her close and protect her from the cold, but he knew he couldn't. He had lost that privilege. Maybe forever.

_I wish I was your favourite girl,  
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.  
I wish I was your favourite smile,  
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style._

A long time passed before any of them spoke. "Why are you here?" she finally asked, her voice devoid of any emotion. Most of the time, Derek could read her. He would know exactly how she was feeling just by her tone of voice or the look in her eyes. But tonight, he couldn't.‑­

Derek shrugged. "I just wanted to stop by...see how you were..."

"Oh," was the only response he got.

"You should stop doing that," she said softly.

"Stop doing what?"

"Caring. You have to stop caring about me. Because when you show up here and say things like that...it just...I'm fine, Derek. You can go," she whispered.

Derek felt as though his heart had been split in two. "I can't."

"No really. You should go," she repeated.

"Meredith..." he said sadly. "I...I can't go."

She was still avoiding eye contact. She hadn't even looked over at him. She was just staring off into the distance. "Derek, stop. You're just doing to her what you did to me." She paused. "Don't do that to her."

"Meredith, I...Rose and I...that's not going anywhere," he said, the honest vulnerability evident in the tone of his voice.

"Why?"

Derek dropped his head. He had to tell her. If they were ever going to get this right, she had to know. As painful as it was, Meredith had a right to know. "She's just...last night, I...I realized that no matter what I do, no matter who I date, or however much I try to move on...I can't."

"Did you sleep with her?" she asked regretfully. She held her breath as she waited for the answer.

"Yes...before I came to see you. I just couldn't-I had to see you." He rested his head in his palms. Admitting that was one of the most hurtful things he ever had to do. "But I...the whole time...I couldn't get you out of my head. And I know that's wrong, but I just...I feel like scum, Meredith. And I-," he continued until Meredith cut him off.

"How is that supposed to make me feel?" she asked suddenly, the anger rising in her voice. "Am I supposed to be flattered? Is that supposed to make me feel better, knowing that you're picturing me lying beneath you, screaming out your name while you have sex with another woman?" She was going to continue but when tears welled in her eyes, she forced herself to stop talking and try to prevent them from falling down her face.

"Meredith, I..." he sighed. "I'm sorry."

Meredith shrugged. "Part of me suspected that you were sleeping with her, but another part of me hoped you weren't...that you respected everything we had more than that. I can't blame you, though. You're human. What could I expect? You weren't waiting for me anymore," she said sadly.

"I was trying to move on...trying to convince myself that I could be happy...but now I know. I know that I can't." He looked over at her, immediately filled with pain as he saw the look of hurt in her eyes that were still refusing to meet his.

_I wish you couldn't figure me out,  
But you always wanna know what I was about.  
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset,  
I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met._

When she didn't say anything, Derek decided to break through the silence. "I tried to do what you did...when you were with Finn," he said softly.

Meredith could feel her heart begin to beat faster. "Don't you dare bring my relationship with Finn into this," she growled, her breathing getting heavy. "Don't rationalize your behavior by comparing me to you. I _never_ slept with Finn, Derek. And do you know why? Because I knew that if I did, I would only be hurting myself...fooling myself into thinking that I might be able to be happy with someone else. And what do you do? You call me a _whore. _Do you have any idea how much that hurts, Derek?" she spat, finally turning her head to look him in the eye.

Derek looked at her, tears filling his own eyes as he listened to her talk. He considered speaking, but knew that there was nothing her could say to defend his actions.

"But you sleep with her, and you expect me to feel sorry for you. You making yourself out to be a martyr!"she yelled. "It's such a God damned double standard. When you think I've moved on, you're allowed to call me a whore, but I can't say _anything_ when you actually sleep with someone else."

She paused, taking a deep breath and gathering her thoughts before continuing. "You want to know what I did yesterday?" she asked quietly. "I found my best friend singing-in the morgue. Singing because she can't deal with the fact that the man she loved up and left her. I don't want to end up like that, Derek. I don't want to be the crazy one down in the morgue avoiding the fact that I was left at the altar...figuratively speaking of course."

She swallowed, trying to prevent the tears from flowing down her face, but to no avail. "But I guess I don't have to worry about that one. At the rate I'm going, I'm never going to make it to the altar."

Derek let the silent tears fall. He looked over at Meredith's hands. This time last year, he thought for sure there'd be a ring on her finger by now.

"I'm in therapy, Derek," she admitted quietly, wiping her tears away with the sleeve of her sweater. "I'm in therapy because I have to help myself. I have to be able to accept the fact that we can't do this anymore. I have to let you go," she whispered softly through her tears. "And it's hard as hell, but I _have_ to do it."

"Meredith," he sighed sadly, shaking his head.

"If there was ever going to be a _one_, you were it. You were my chance, Derek. You were supposed to be the one that made everything okay. But we couldn't do it. And if I can't accept that, I'll never be able to move on with my life," she said quietly.

"I don't want you to have to move on. I want this to work", he admitted softly. "If I can't be with you, then I'm never going to be with anyone. I realized that last night. You were my shot, too."

Meredith shook her head and tucked some stray hair behind her ears. "Don't say that. You can be happy, Derek. She loves you, and you could love her too."

"She doesn't love me", Derek rebutted.­

"She does, Derek. She's ready...she's ready for it all...marriage, house, kids, the lifetime. And so are you. I'm not, and most likely never will be because apparently I'm a commitment-phobic coward that is going to die alone," she said with a slightly bitter laugh before turning serious once again. "So please, do it for us. Let one of us get it, Derek," she whispered through tears.

"Meredith, listen to me. If you don't get it, I don't get it. Because you're still the love of my life. You, will _always_ be the love of my life. When I told you that, I meant it. And something like that...it doesn't change just because we're not together."

Meredith looked at him, meeting his eyes. "Stop."

"What?"

"Stop it. Stop saying things. Just...stop," she whispered. "You say things like that, and then you hurt me. You tell me I can't trust anybody...you yell at me for bringing up the fact that you had a wife...and you throw house plans in my face just so you can use them against me. Don't you see something wrong with that?"

"I'm sorry," he said sadly.

"Yeah. Me too."

"No really. I am. I...I can't defend myself. I can't sit here and give you excuses. What I did was wrong. _Everything_ I did to you was wrong. The fact that I ever hurt you...I hate myself for it. And I know I have to live with it. And I am...from the bottom of my heart...I am sorry, Meredith."

"You didn't wait," she whispered, tears falling once again. "You...why didn't you wait? If I really am the love of your life, why wouldn't you wait?"

"I did."

"Fine," she said, shaking her head. "Just do me a favor...don't picture me when you have sex with her." She went to stand up with Derek gently grabbed her wrist and pulled her back onto the swing.

"I broke up with her...Meredith, please," he said desperately. "Please...don't do this."

"You broke up with her?"

"Today," he sighed. "Today I broke up with her."

"Derek, this is...it shouldn't be this hard", she reasoned. "If we were supposed to be together, we would be."

"We're here _now_. That's...my God, Meredith. That has to count for something. The fact that when we're not together, we're both miserable means something. I can't sleep anymore." He paused. "I lie awake at night and wonder if you're okay. I lie awake and wonder where all of this went wrong...I wonder how I let things get this bad."

"It wasn't just you", Meredith breathed. "It's...we both did this, Derek. I wasn't ready for the lifetime, and you were. I can't expect you to wait for me forever...I just...I didn't think you'd be one of them," she said sadly. Her shoulders began to shake and she squeezed her eyes shut, attempting to stop the tears. "Everybody else in my life walked away. And I thought that just maybe, you'd be the one to ‑­stick around. You'd be the one to prove to me that I'm not hopeless. I started to believe that you'd be the one to give me the happy ending."

_I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly,  
'Cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.  
Basically, I wish that you loved me,  
I wish that you needed me,  
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three._

Derek couldn't resist. He pulled her into his arms and held her close. "I want to be that person, Meredith." He paused. "That's all I want to be Meredith. With any luck, I _am_ going to be that person," he said confidently.

The assurance in his voice caused Meredith to pull back from his embrace. The sudden coldness at the loss of his touch sending chills through her body. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that I'm not going anywhere. If you ever decide that you want to give this a try, I'll be here. If that means I never get the lifetime with you, fine. But as of this moment, I'm only going to do this if I'm with you. This is...I'm not getting married unless the ring goes on your finger. I'm not having kids unless they're ours. And I'm not building a house for anyone but you. That's what all of this means. That's why I came here tonight...to tell you that," he said softly.

"You really believe that any of that is possible?"

"I'm not giving up on us. I won't. I've made that mistake before. And I'm not making it again."

Meredith looked at him with a faint glimmer of hope in her eyes. She wanted so badly to believe him, but she was afraid. Afraid that if she trusted him, it would only end in disaster. "Derek..."

"If and when you choose to give me another chance...a chance to prove to you that I'm in this...I'll be here," he smiled softly, gently pressing a kiss to her forehead. He took a deep breath and stood up from the swing, proceeding to make his way toward the steps.

_I wish that without me your heart would break,  
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.  
I wish that without me you couldn't eat,  
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep._

"We'll get to drink out champagne?" she asked softly.

Derek turned back and saw a faint smile tugging her lips. He walked back and sat down next to her, closer this time. "I hope so."

A tear ran down Meredith's face. "Okay," she nodded.

There was hope. It wasn't much, but it was there.

In this moment, she realized she wasn't a coward. She was indeed brave. Because that's what all of this is about. Bravery. She was going to do whatever it takes to get her lifetime. She was fighting for the love of her life. She deserved happiness, and she was going to get it.

She leaned in and kissed his cheek before curling up next to him on the swing. Derek wrapped the blanket tighter around her and pulled her close to him. He kissed the top of her head and took both of her hands in his own, wanting her to know that he was going to be here. That he wasn't going to leave her again. That they could make this work.

_All I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen;  
I wish that we could see if we could be something_

It didn't feel so cold anymore. They could do this. They had hope again. They were going to be the success story amidst the many lost loves that surrounded them. They would get their own happily ever after. The Meredith and Derek version.

One day, they would drink their champagne.

**So that's it. Hopefully it gave you some optimism. I sort of left it open ended, because I have no idea how Shonda is going to reunite them in the remaining episodes. By no means has Meredith forgiven him in this, but she just needed some hope, and I tried to give it to her. The poor girl deserves happiness. This was sort of hard to write, because I wanted to make it believable without being overly-cheesy. But it made me feel better, and I hope it makes you feel better too.**

**Reviews make my day. **


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